It’s amazinnnnng how much detail I had to cut out of this which was unfortunate. I hope it’s still a decent write anyway. Sorry if I’m rusty, I go through intervals of leaving and coming back so I’m getting back in the swing of things.
Thanks for reading.

I do the same thing quite often — writing here in fits and starts. I also know what you mean about having to pare down the level of detail to fit a story into the given space. As it is, it reads just fine, but if you have a longer version posted somewhere, I’d love to read what your original vision for the story was.

Nice modernization of the old rhyme, with a heck of a twist. The beginning was a bit dodgy with ‘bar’ twice in one sentence and then a comma splice for the second sentence. Otherwise it reads quite nicely, and a whole lot of story gets fit into this small space.

“…and Jill came tumbling after.” This got me thinking about what Jill’s inevitable fall would be in this situation. Is it psychological torture, a jail sentence, or maybe even suicide? The twist is well done.

I agree with Jim above me, it’d be neat to see an original!