Any successful execution by firing squad results in just one thing: a healthy corpse. In this regard at least, today’s effort was a stunning success.

Those present: myself, a small group of onlookers, three marksmen and a miscreant tied to a pole.

Ready, aim and fire! The death volley was discharged.

Rather thoughtlessly, the target suddenly chose to swivel on the metal pole to which he was attached, with the effect that all three bullets hit the pole and somewhat unexpectedly ricocheted back in our general direction.

One bullet whizzed through the prison kitchen and struck a gallon pot of treacle, spraying the startled kitchen staff with sticky, sugary goo.

Another bullet erred unerringly towards Mrs Worthington, the Warden’s wife, who had strolled down ‘for-a-look-see’ with her rather ugly and generally much hated dog, Stodger. The bullet cleanly removed Mrs Worthington’s bonnet.

The third and final bullet cleanly removed Stodger.

Later, there was much rejoicing, but very, very, quietly…