i know that defunkt is spelled with a c but this how we spell it in the future
and this is a character from another series i am writing he is the detective in my space opera series which will be hitting ficly stands tommorrow

Love an obsequious Madame…they are uaually obstreperous…good job

HA! Great dialogue! Very fun.

Love the story, though the presentation leaves a little to be desired.

It makes it a bit harder to read than it needs to be.

@skully i guess thanks kinda huh?

My dame always gets those confused, too. They really should get the automatic update installation thing going.

I agree with dksully. Perhaps try pasting your story into a word processor and checking it for spelling and grammar. Also, a lot of browsers automatically spell-check your posts as you type them. Try Firefox for a start.

you know besides the work defunky there areent any errors and i tjhought i mentioned that in the begining

hey geniuses sometimes the only way to capture regional diction is to spell words the way they sound when you say them outloud. Cyberpunk is known for its film noir feel and accents in mismatch settings. maybe you should look it up on wikipedia, and get a feel for it before you start trashing someone’s stuff just because you saw skully do it.

I absolutely love the first line! It sets the scene so well and is perfectly described! You’ve nailed the little asian’s accent ;) ;)
and the noir detective’s.

Your ability to describe a scene is great. I love that about you man!
Good stuff…

Thanks alro elsha helped she is the quisad’s haterick of bugging me and not letting me be lazy. She made me mispell more words just to piss off the critics, who knew she was such a rebel.

I got the fact that you were spelling things to capture the dialect, and you did a great job of it. (See Feersum Endjiin by Iain M. Banks as possibly the canonical example of spelling out a dialect, and one of my all time favourite books.)

What I find makes the story much harder to read, however, is your use of spacing, capital letters and punctuation. (Something that isn’t just limited to this story, I should add.)

You have good ideas, and often express them really quite well, but you are let down by your attention to detail.

I’m not trying to be harsh, or trash your work. I’m just trying to offer constructive feedback. If you’d rather I didn’t, that’s fine, I’ll happily stop commenting.

Typical. I talk about attention to detail and I’ve left a spare i and missed an n in Feersum Endjinn.

My bad.

say man, where’s that IRLS OYS IRTY EX club at , anyway?

See that is point exactly because even though you left out a spare i and add an n i still got your meaning loud and clear.
Maybe you should ask kevin lawver to make Ya’ll a new site called grammerly that way you would get the praise you obviously feel you deserve and are being deprived of. That is what my therapist would tell me.

i’m not one to gang up on ya Eddie.. or to even stir the pot, so let’s not do that.. but Skully’s critique wasn’t harsh..
At least i didn’t see it that way..

Skully: lol for finding your own mistake.. that was kinda funny. but cool.

We’re not trying to harsh your mellow, man, so chill out with the negative vibes. You obviously took our advice and fixed (some) of the spelling and grammar errors in your story, so don’t act like out comments were out of line.

actually elsha changed the l to r in the girls dialogue which made more errors technically but man look i feel childish i dont want to argue with skully or his YESMAN any more i am sorry.

Ok so I don’t really see any errors. Spelling changes when attempting a dialect. That shit is funnier because we here the stereotype r for l sound of the Asian Madame.As for grammar I really don’t see anything glaringly wrong. Could your issue be spacing? The only thing I would suggest is a line between sentences-BUT- we all know that functioning with a character limit is going to involve sacrifice. And in general(not to be a bitch and to paraphrase Emerson) grammar, like consistency, can often be the hobgoblin of little minds. Grammar is a set of rules that we, as user’s of the language, bend and break every day as its suits us. Poetry , literature, art, and even base entertainments do what they will with the rules of grammar. As this is not an English 101 lecture class but a creative outlet for all and sundry, I think “grammar” is somewhat obsolete in our cause and should be eliminated as a point of contention in our dialogue.

I loved it. I was able to read it all, and understood the flavor. I’m a grammar nazi a good chunk of the time, and a dislexic the rest, and you delighted me to no end. By the way, the Double J actually made me squeak. Bravo.

thank you Branwen.

I’m going to refuse my imagination the computing time it requires to figure out what a 19 Double Colon J is…