This is pretty raw stuff. There’s a lot of potential for this to leave more of an impact on the readers though. Fact or fiction, I still like this.

It’s a bit of both. Inspired by real events, yet tweaked to make somewhat of a better story.

Potential? ears perk up Any suggestions?

good job =]

very sad though.

i agree with @platypus, its a raw stuff, but i see something interesting deep down. im no good at giving suggestions but i’ll try.
add more spice, and flavor.
and add details??

im not sure, but i like it anyway..

rolf

well you could start by describing a moment when you needed your mother and she wasn’t there, that would give this an emotional link to you. By telling us “she fed me, she left. it was sad, but freeing” we can agree with you, but we don’t feel what you feel.
great story material and it fits the challenge. I can read your struggle to put a positive spin on this.

I have to disagree with EH. Thought it was spot on! Maybe we’re not expected to feel what he feels, because it’s so raw and difficult to share. Getting stuff like this out of a guy is like getting blood out of a stone. Difficult to get in touch with your feminine side when the one example is so fragile and flawed.

Hmm, I am in agreement ronmurp. I don’t think the need to give a specific moment is necessary. From the first line, “You ripped apart my family, you broke my father, you broke my grandmother, you broke me,” I pick up the emotional link and know what you are feeling, though the experience isn’t something personal to me.

Thanks for the comments, everyone.

I added a line toward the end “except when…” to try and add a bit of sadness to the entire situation, but I’m not sure it flows. I had 60 characters left, but I’m not sure how to use them.

Farting line was great (sorry, Alex & I just had a conversation about farting around people).
But good piece overall.