That was very strange.

I’d rate it higher, but I have a policy of giving one star to anything that does not have paragraphs properly separated so they are easier to read.

If you fix this, let me know and I’ll rerate.

robo see how he started over with a new line instead of continuing, that is the paragraph indent. You are going to make allowances because we cant indent. I think its crazy to waste characters spacing apart paragraphs when since yuou cant indent it is already incorrect.but the way he started a new sentence over that is recognizing the paragraph. i dont see how it would be easier to read by having a space.
Hillbilly this was a great story, they won’t know bout that Black sabbath but it was awesome.

Well, the screaming and battling, and the heavy metal is not my thing. Doom, gloom, and anihilation: meh, whatever.

You seemed to have told a fairly good story from it.

I agree that whitespace and paragraph spacing is underutilized on ficly, and I am glad to see robo deducts pencils for it, but…

Robo, you are wrong in this case. This falls under the guildlines of a free verse poem, and therefore not using whitespace is an artistic style and should not be penalized.

MJY is right. This is AWESOME , and whole sabbath thing will probably go over half the kids heads here on ficly.

Okay, so Black Sabbath is awesome, but this is the third entry into the contest I’ve read and suffers from the same problem. You tried to put in so many song lyrics it ceased to feel like a story. Instead it’s just the lyrices said by different people. The first three or four worked fairly well and could have been construed into a story, but it just feels, like MJY said, a free verse poem based largely on another work of poetry. It’s effective, but I don’t see it as transformative from the original work, only a clarification perhaps of what they were imagining as they wrote it.

Yeah, I agree with you THX. I feel obligated to either use too much of the song, and have little story, or use bad lyrics with a better story. I don’t know if I can really give decent lyrics a proper story in this small format. It’s challenging.

I love love love this song. But this doesn’t work too well as a story. Personally, I think that using a lyric in every line is overdone.

From your comment, you seem to be perfectly aware of this, so I’ll leave it at that.

This was a trippy MTV vid, full of quick images and some dark message about war and oppression.

I say, if you need the characters, screw the spaces. This is a sort of poem, crammed full of imagery.
If you can edit to use the spaces, great, but if not, don’t sweat it, I’ll forgive you for the sake of art, though I’m not so sure about Robo..