Morality tale for the demanding tourist? A bit quick, maybe? I dunno. It had a weird feel to it, maybe just on account of the present tense and second person perspective. Neat idea for a story with that come-uppance sort of theme.

The choose your adventure books always ended in my death.. much better to read them backwards.
There was a lot packed in here, beginning with the disdain for the ship staff, which makes you want to hate the overbearing, demanding, pompous person, except that it is written in second person and the offensive character is YOU. Then you don’t want them dead. I hope You learn Your lesson! Treat the ship’s crew nicely!

what a weird cult that has a cermonial mallet… I’m just glad it wasn’t a mullet

I liked it. All around eerie feeling. A job well done!