Not sure how coherent this will be in the final story, but I needed to write something.

This definitely feels like part of something larger rather than a stand-alone piece, but you’ve managed to set up the basic conflict well enough.

Camille Providence is an AWESOME name. I love it. :-)

he has big plans.. and I assume Camille will go with her necklace, so the kidnapping will be real.

The story definitely has its own voice. I would consider leaving more to mystery though; the fourth and fifth paragraphs seem a little too expository and plain. Could there be some other way of setting up for sequels without giving away too much?

Well, scratch some of that—they are important to the plot, obviously. Still, those paragraphs seem too telling and not showing.

Good point about telling instead of showing, however I didn’t feel there was enough room to show rather than tell.

This will be part of a much larger piece, if I play my cards right and stick with it!

We’ve seen this situation before, it’d be nice to read some new language with it as well, “seal her fate” is kinda cliche.

I’d like to read more though, so props for that.

This reminded me somewhat of the opening pages of “Along Came a Spider” by James Patterson. The sneaking intruder with his shady plans.

Very well written. Really sucked me in and engaged me. The visuals were strong without being over detailed. It allowed my imagination to paint a picture of the world without drowning in details.

Nice work!