I’m not entirely sure what’s happened. Perhaps a few hard returns are in order? The dialog is a bit confusing.

However, the story certainly feels powerful, and with a few tweaks could definitely be so.

I agree with Sam’s comment…this is a bit hard to follow.

I’ve tried to cram in as much story in as little characters as possible. It ain’t my best and I realised that after I published it. I’m on my honeymoon so other things are in my schedule ha!

The imagery of her hair spreading across the pillow is neat.