This is a nice piece focusing on some of the negative aspects of the world we live in – some of the descriptions are quite poetic, which contrasts really well with the subject matter.
However, there are a few things that could make it even better:
1. Check spelling. Lonliness – loneliness and iis – is.
2. Make sure that all sentences read well. ‘He sweats guilt overtaking his heart’ feels a little confused – we get the message but an edit could give it some finesse.
3. Sentence structure can really enhance dramatic effect – which that last sentence could be effortlessly strengthened by – ’That’s just the way it is. Period.’ Just by including a full stop your highlighting the inevitablity and finality of what you’re writing about, which could be really effective.
Finally, for a piece with good potential the title is a little weak – perhaps it could be something RELATING to the story but not a quote taken directly from it?
Mostly Harmless