Mostly Harmless

Joined August 2009.

88 stories, 18 challenges, 1292 comments, and 52 friends

I haven’t been here for ages. I remember it fondly.


  1. There is an inexplicable splendour

    There is an inexplicable splendour to the situation we find ourselves in, teetering on the edge of catastrophe and revelling in the brevity of our heyday. Now we gild our collective past with a thin film of retrospective optimism. Basking in the backda...

  2. Prideless Prejudice

    “I propose that Mr Lee was fervent! Desperate! Having lived alone on the streets for so long, the prospect of human company in the form of Miss Stephanie Bradley was irresistible. But her feelings for him were of compassion alone.” If Willi...

  3. The Kindness of Strangers

    A year ago, Timothy would have adjusted his chair to sit in line with the coffee table, directly facing Charles, perhaps over a chess set or a few stacks of plastic poker chips from the set he received one birthday. Neither man would have finished quit...

  4. Method Acting

    He told me to think about the process as though in exactly one years time I’ll be starring as myself in a stage musical of my life, and I have to do some character preparation to get into role. I asked him what the musical would be called, and he...

  5. In The Spirit Of Christmas

    A decent bottle of sherry, a posh-looking box of chocolate biscuits and a wicker basket of winter-flowering begonias. Peter surveyed this perfectly respectable trio of presents and tried to avoid thinking the obvious. But it was undeniable, that reflec...

  6. Silence, Paused

    Shelley emerges from her office on the mezzanine overlooking the college’s study area and is taken aback by silence. The utter lack of noise seems to betray the notion of an institute for further education – no sound means no stimulation; n...

  7. A True Professional

    Mike was getting good at his job now. At first, he’d always wanted to stay and gloat – it wasn’t enough to throw in a petrol stained rag, and a lighted match after it – he had to hear the first majestic whoosh of flame taking ho...

  8. I Think You May Have Missed The Point Of This Website

    In the life of every struggling businessman, there comes a time when all hope is lost, and you will try anything to rescue the endeavour you were once so proud of from total failure. In these difficult economic times, it may not be so strange to see ac...

  9. The Time-Torn Man

    “It was a dark October night when I first heard the tale of the Time-Torn Man. Some say he had a name once, other than that one, but if he did it was lost long ago – under a mountain of history and dust, or so I was told. When he was born doesn...

  10. Despair

    For a long time, she was still. Legs crossed, hands in her lap, the young woman sat on the grass and didn’t watch as the clouds moved slowly overhead. She didn’t listen to the distant sound of cars, and she ignored the slow stream of tears ...

  11. I'm Not Sure Whether I Believe In Fairies...

    Some say there is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt – and none knew this better than Tangle Beamweb. Every gnome, imp, elf, wisp, leprechaun, troll or sprite comes to know its fair share of bereavement – each ignorant adult clai...

  12. Death, Debt, And A Dastardly Observation

    “And that, Jasper Francis, is why you will die today!” This clichéd utterance asserted in the minds of all present that this latest in a line of delusional ‘masterminds’ plaguing London was no different to the rest – and ...

  13. When Murder Sleeps

    Sometimes in the police force, there is nothing quite as terrifying as a map. A map covered in photographs, character profiles and little red dots – every one a drop of blood spilled, a life lost. An unsolved crime. Hastily pencilled in lines tri...

  14. Same Shoes

    Watching her pull the black stilettos on, James realised they were the same pair she’d worn to the party last year. They were her favourites. Nobody’ll be thinking about Sarah’s shoes tonight though will they? It was true. Tonight wou...

  15. Dinner For One

    I had to use Uncle Tom’s pocket handkerchief to wipe down my knife, which seemed rather tasteless, but the turkey was beginning to get cold, and my was it worth it. Following my little outburst, my family didn’t exactly make scintillating d...

  16. Real Estate With Bite

    As hooded figures ushered her into the grand chamber, Miss Fiona Stoker knew that she was in for it this time – she was a failed realtor. The cavernous space was dark save for the dim light given out by the blood red candles winking from shadowy ...

  17. A Very Magenta Mid-Life Crisis

    “Tom, why are you wearing a bowler hat?” “Amanda! I henceforth wish to be addressed as Quentin. Do you like the hat? It’s magenta!” And so, Amanda presumed, was the fluorescent waistcoat and the feather boa. “Tom, ta...

  18. Every Bridge Has One

    It was the kind of bridge that looked like it had been there forever, and like it would never go away. Damp tendrils of moss tried to force their way between the uneven stones of the old arch, but the bridge was too strong. Of course, I didn’t kn...

  19. Checkmate

    The two old men sat in the shadow, at the bench between the paddling pool and the climbing frame. The only game being played in the park was chess. “Stuck?” “What makes you say that? It never does to rush these things…” &#...

  20. How Do You Solve A Problem Like Repulsive Hooligans?

    Once, there was a little old lady called Edith. She had wispy white hair, a kind, wrinkled smile, and a bubblegum pink handbag; the kind filled with bits and bobs to solve any situation. Where Edith lived, lots of naughty children would run around the ...

  21. Introducing Victor

    Eyes darting around the hall, one hand fingering the crucial document in his pocket; if Victor Higson didn’t always look so spiteful and smug, the rest of the eighth grade might have guessed he was up to something. Victor was much more suited to ...

  22. An Argument Situation

    “I take personal offence to that comment!” “What? It wasn’t meant to be personal!” “Andy, how can ‘Jump off a cliff you crazy bitch’ not be meant personally?” “This is an argument situation Je...

  23. The Price of Revolution

    When Piano Joe stopped playing the same tune he’d hammered out every night for twenty years, everybody knew something was wrong in the dusty bar with no name. “I say screw him! We won’t put up with this any longer – we’ll get our lives back!

  24. Curtain Call

    To die, to sleep… In the light of the fickle moon, you could have been forgiven for mistaking the gaunt silhouette atop the cliff for a sapling swaying dangerously in the wind – but it was a man. Noble in reason, infinite in faculties…...

  25. Here Comes The Bride

    As the cooing of the congregation reached fever pitch, and the first strains of ‘The Bridal Chorus’ soared high to the vaulted ceiling of the church, a heady dose of love and agonising regret coursed through Stewart’s veins. Glancing ...

  26. Prima Donna

    Running her finger over the spines of the CD’s on the shelf, it wasn’t until she reached the gap where the ‘66 recording of Madame Butterfly should have been that Ismerelda remembered her ex-husband had taken it when he’d left. ...

  27. Satanic Sheet Music

    As the young lovers ran, arms outstretched to each other from opposite ends of the stage, the audience were most decidedly not supposed to be under the impression that the hounds of hell were about to burst on to the scene. Fear was etched on to the fa...

  28. Mount Vesuvius Eat Your Heart Out!

    I DISTINCTLY REMEMBER I WAS STILL GORGEOUS WHEN I WENT TO BED! Smooth and soft, with a painstakingly cultivated healthy but not conspicuous tan, my skin is supposed to be envious! My pimple-plagued peers would die for the utter kissability of my regula...

  29. Busman of the Skies

    “Daddy, when I’m older I want to fly just like that Earhart lady – she’s so cool!” That had been Tommy’s cue for his daddy to pick him up and run around the room making aeroplane noises, before throwing him down and ...

  30. Gone Sour

    Confectionery, Niall knew, was a way of life. Little could he have guessed that even as Mr Cavendish sunk his teeth into an Exploding Pineapple Gum, far more tasteless characters were planning much more than a sudden inspection… At the centre of ...

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