Not bad at all, Olivaw! That opening line is really good stuff that instantly sets the mood.

The dialogue’s fine with one exception: Kiv just doesn’t sound like a robot. Not even HK-47 was that colloquial. There’s no need to rewrite it or even fix it, I just couldn’t hear or see a robot when I read his dialogue.

The Mentalist’s character work is very good, obvious cliche supervillainy mixed with just enough angry incompetence. The little detail about his hair being frayed is great: concise, but says everything we need to know. I’d even consider taking out mention of the coat and bruises and using the extra space somewhere else.

Overall, nice work! I’d love to see this develop in a more expansive format. Maybe we should get in touch!

I purposely wrote Kiv to sound more normal. I’m trying to get away from robots talking all excessively formal.

I do really like what I’ve written about these guys so far. You can shoot me an email or something.

maybe he’s a robot with a digitized soul

I like your story, olivaw

The line “I loathe you” cracked me the fuck up. A great example of how funny and effective an understated line can be.

The line “But not Kiv” is a little wonky. In part because it makes Kiv’s response feel redundant, I suspect. Like, Kiv’s smartass response already implies that Kiv isn’t swayed by dirty looks. Another bit that seems to repeat a sentiment without expanding on it – “He was enjoying this” is just literalizing the implications of the great line “Kiv’s photoreceptor’s twinkled.”

Overall, though, good stuff. I enjoyed it a lot.

I have edited the story since upon further reflection LeRoy was right in every conceivable way.

Thanks for the comment. I’m being a bit more careful now about being redundant.

Also, if he’s drinking straight alcohol it is by definition 200 proof. Or is it diluted with water a little? Otherwise, excellent stuff.

I like this story, very neat and great dialogue.