Avatar Author: Jermaine Champagne Read Bio

People talk about the moaning of the dead, but that hasn’t been my experience. The sound I associate with zombies is of a different sort, mostly techno babble.
Bill Gates. Boy howdy, he’s rich as the devil and twice as rude, but in life he was considered benevolent. When his laser-satellites saved us from the horde, I guess we were too busy being grateful to realize he’d been weeding out the competition.
That is, until he began showing up to galas with an old-timey pistol. He’d punctuate his conversation by shooting a software programmer in the stomach, then feast on his brains like it was any other day.
And what of it? There were complaints, but what does a lawsuit mean to a man with no discernible brain waves? Money like that, he could leave a quarter with his own face on the corpse and STILL pay off the cops.
At least your average zombie can be out-run. Now all that’s left is him, patrolling the streets in a diamond-encrusted bulletproof hamster ball filled with truffles and champagne.

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Comments (6 so far!)

Average Reader Rating

  1. Avatar Saint Chuck

    Overall brilliant take on zombies, I was grinning the whole time. Great piece!

  2. Avatar Jermaine Champagne

    Thanks! I’m mostly happy with it, except I had to do a lot of cutting and changing to fit the character limit, might need work

  3. Avatar Skull Man

    this reminds me of when bill gates released a cloud of mosquitos and no one did a damn thing because he’s bill fucking gates


  4. Avatar Stovohobo

    Out of the mush of zombie stories came this gem. Hilarious; the tone throughout is great.

  5. Avatar Jermaine Champagne

    here is my critique on this: it’s been suggested to me that my writing often feels like a collection of sentences. Each stands alone, but without transition, it can feel a little jumbled. This piece, partly because I kept changing it around to fit the character limit, suffers a bit from the usual problem. if it wasn’t considered a hate crime to give anything less than a five, and it wasn’t my own story( I will never rate myself lower), I’d give it a three

  6. Avatar N555champ & X-Ninja

    The title goes perfectly with the story. Bill Gates is just some rich zombie in real life to, so i don’t know if i would call this fiction. *