Bitter

Avatar Author: Sage Autumn Just a girl who wears her heart on her sleeve! BE VICIOUS, Critique me, I won't cry! From nothing, to greatness, that is my goal! As a poet, I am trying to enter into a new realm -story writing... "This is me at ... Read Bio

She sat on the old street bridge reading an old letter to a dear friend.
" I worry about you. I know you’re busy I have been through a lot. You are my friend and I love you! I miss the times we sat and talked, no one else cared for me like you. I hope you feel the same and know I’m here for you"

About to throw it in the river below, she stood a moment, deciding to add;
“Its now 4 years since I last saw you. I can’t believe you left without a goodbye. I know you’ll never see this so who gives a shit? Pregnant by some ass who says he loves me, showing it through abuse. I am not happy.

I miss you but you don’t give a fuck, so I HATE YOU!
I loved you, I was there, what did I do?
I am writing this because no one will ever read it.

Tonight, I will kill myself. I don’t know what to do and I have no one to talk to. You didn’t make it to my high school graduation and won’t make it to this one either so what do you care? What do I?

FUCK LIFE!
FUCK YOU!"

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Comments (7 so far!)

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  1. Avatar Infinity.

    You obviously have a lot of emotion in this. Only how you can improve this is make it run more smoothly. I mean you have a good story probably set up for this but you jam it all into the story so it’s kind of choppy and inconsistent with your writing.
    The story had a lot of dialogue and that’s okay but we need to feel what they’re feeling or be in their shoes, you’re sort of just telling us.
    another thing is I’m not sure I’m feeling the caps lock usage, but that’s just my opinion also going hand in hand with the exclamation points at the end. Just something to consider.

    Just read this over sometime in the future and see how you can change wording and if you do that you can create more of an emotion of what this girl has been going through and why she feels like she has to take her own life.

    best of luck & sorry this is so long.
    helpful?
    possibly?

  2. Avatar Wes Schumaker

    Technical issues aside (Infinity covered them well enough), there is a lot of emotion in your words. Some of it hitting very close to home for me. Polish this sucker up and it’s easily a five pencil story.

  3. Avatar Sage Autumn

    Thank you two! I will. I was a little drunk on wine when I put it up…hahaha! I suppose I just flow better when I am in the comfort of good company along with a glass of wine :)

  4. Avatar Sage Autumn

    ok, just re-vamped it…had a little wine, but should be better…Thank you!

  5. Avatar ElshaHawk (LoA)

    The first paragraph is fine, missing a period after ‘busy’, but it sets the tone really well.

    the second paragraph adds more to the story, but by the time you get to the pregnant sentence, you throw it all to the wind. You forsake the grammar of the top part, the sentiment, and just throw words on the paper recklessly. You lose the flow.

    Just some notes.

  6. Avatar Sage Autumn

    Ya, IDK! Its hard its a letter she found from three years back, then adds to it her anger pain and frustration in her NOW life that she will end.

  7. Avatar Sage Autumn

    There, I fixed it back to how it should be which kinda clarifies its an old letter

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