Rebecca grew up a poor black child.
But eventually, they told her she was white and she left her home to discover the outside world.
She hitchhiked to Wisconsin with an old man riding a lawnmower.
When she arrived, she got a job she hated at a restaurant with an arch gay head chef.
It was there she met a man, had a whirlwind romance, and got married 5 minutes later.
But 7 minutes after that, Steve turned into a right bastard, and began beating her, throwing glasses at her and burning his name into the lawn, until she had an affair with a Freespirited Artist.
But this Freespirited Artist got her into becoming a country singer by addicting her to coke, until she went to rehab, cleaned up, got out 5 minutes later and triumphantly got a recording contract!
[Before the film of her life was made (starring Meredith Baxter), Rebecca sadly died when she was diagnosed with Stickittodamanniosis, but not before she founded the Foundation Of Stickittodamanniosis Syndrome In Lutherans (or “F.O.S.S.I.L”).]