I try to explain to her how I feel, what thoughts are fluttering around my head, but it’s no use. Nobody understands how I feel. I am at times blissfully unaware of passing time and at other times agonizingly aware. The loneliness, the angst, these are nearly unbearable at times. But strangely, they also bring me peace. These feelings that keep me awake at night also allow me to feel special and different from every other person that I encounter. I take a sick and hidden pride in my isolation and difference from my environment, and it both comforts and horrifies me.
These thoughts all bounce around my head at once, a cacophony of remorse, doubt, and fear. My thoughts all collide and mash together until they are undiscernable from one another and refuse to be sorted out. I can’t even figure out where to start myself, so how can I explain my thoughts to her?
She asks another question, and I just shrug. Sometimes it’s better to not even try and explain, to allow the other person to fill in the blanks.