Don't Touch My Coffee

Avatar Author: RoseTone ~LoA~ I can be reached at: "For creative Fantasy is founded upon the hard recognition that things are so in the world as it appears in under the sun; on a recognition of fact, but not a slaver... Read Bio


Her head jerks back swiftly, mouth open in shock. In a tangle of flailing limbs and scattering pages, she falls off of the bench.


Shrieking, she tries to curl up into a ball – reducing herself, as a target, as much as possible. She vainly holds out her left arm, in a blind panic. A futile attempt to defend from the vengeance she has earned at my hands.


“Ow-ow-ow! Okay! Geez, I’m sorry okay! Now, please don’t throw any more- STOP THROWING PINECONES AT ME!”


A running target – the Hunt is on.

The bucket is still over half full as I begin a relentless pursuit.

And I’m faster than her.

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Comments (24 so far!)

Average Reader Rating

  1. Avatar TheWorldIsQuietHere

    Strange but very humorous. Please tell me that this really happened.

  2. Avatar Abby (LoA)

    Had me a bit confused for a while. I … think … I’ve worked it out.

    Not sure that ‘Hunt’ should have a capital. It stood out a little for me and distracted from the overall piece. Sorry, I’m a slave to grammar.

    So informal compared to your first ficly – a very interesting contrast!

  3. Avatar Tad Winslow

    Ha, not as dark as I thought this was going to turn out to be. For some reason I envisioned a baseball bat to the skull at first… but pine cones are much better, not to mention more pleasant to read about. I have some issues with your comma usage. All in all you are forgiven for this is a goodun! Nice to see you back by the way.

  4. Avatar Emilou

    I smiled when I read this, thinking of a squirrel throwing acorns from a tree. It was funny, but still a bit disturbing… :)

  5. Avatar RoseTone ~LoA~

    Dear World – Yes. It did.

    Abby – I see what you mean. I employed capitalization here to emphasis the bestial nature of my… our narrator’s intentions by connecting it to the Wild Hunt of Norse mythology – perhaps a bit of an obscure reference. I’ll keep it as is, but add in a Tag for the Wild Hunt.

    Tad – It’s good to be back. Commas appear in my prose where I feel that they should exist rhythmically. Which is probably too much. XP

  6. Avatar Princess Binky Lemontwist (LoA)

    This was a little difficult to follow at first but it’s so hilarious that it doesn’t matter! XD Great ficly!

  7. Avatar Stovohobo

    I don’t think there are any problems with clarity here—in fact the contrast between the first few paragraphs and the dialogue is what makes it really funny. A reversal of expectations skilfully done.

  8. Avatar boxofun

    Hilarious! And it was relief when it turned out we weren’t reading about a shooting!

  9. Avatar Robert Quick

    Remind me to not mess with your morning coffee when we meet. I have no interest in being pelted with pine cones. Pretty funny scenario and I like that your first impulse is to throw things- well maybe not first impulse, but the impulse that you chose to act upon.

  10. Avatar Scrawler's Secret

    Why were the pine cones in a bucket? She was prepared, it was a trap!

  11. Avatar ethelthefrog

    Very entertaining. Had me smiling from the moment I realised that the protagonist wasn’t in the process of being killed.

  12. Avatar Jim Stitzel

    Definitely not as dark as I expected at the outset. And I thought the capitalization on ‘Hunt’ made perfect sense in this context.

  13. Avatar Shamaliane

    I feel like I just got hit with a pine cone.

  14. Avatar dkscully

    Pelting with pine cones! A very autumnal revenge. :-)

  15. Avatar Timbertoesa

    Maybe I’m wrong…shouldn’t “I’m faster than her” be “I’m faster than she [is]”?

    I loved this story. Sounds like my sister and me.

  16. Avatar Timbertoesa

    Maybe I’m wrong…shouldn’t “I’m faster than her” be “I’m faster than she [is]”?

    I loved this story. Sounds like my sister and me.

  17. Avatar Riley

    This is AWESOME.

    I can really relate to this because my brother and I have pinecone wars all the time. c:

  18. Avatar H.S. Wift

    Excellent. Wonderfully juvenile, but when you combine that with the title, it gives this beautiful extremely detaile image in my head of an immature office worker who ambushed a coworker on the way back from work, because she took a sip from the narrator’s coffee.

    This affront cannot go unaccounted! I demand satisfaction!

  19. Ahfl_icon THX 0477

    Bit of a dark start, as I was really thinking this was a sniper taking out some poor, innocent lady on the bench. Nice use of the twist and fun to have it about midway as opposed to trying to stretch the drama and cram the reveal at the very end.

  20. Avatar Demi Beneke

    I thought it was going to be that someone was firing arrows at first haha. I like the ending and how light hearted it is in contrast to how the beginning sounded

  21. Avatar Eloquent Mess {(LoA)}

    Okay, so I like the way you turned MANSLAUGHTER into Man’s Laughter by way of pine cones. Definitely brought a smile to my face.

  22. Avatar The Ghost in the Machine LoA

    Very nice stuff you really had me going there for a bit that someone was getting killed. I’m impressed how well you hid the ending I like this

  23. Avatar Face

    Rough start or ending???
    …I was thinking beaten by switch. Though at first strange noise scaring the poor girl, confused me!!
    Then I thought I had it with the switch, but surprised by the fact that pine cones were being thrown as a weapon…
    I was laughing so hard after it came together…super funny, would be more intriguing to leave that part out and leave it open to ones imagination to what the hell was going on though! LOVE IT!

  24. Avatar Crown Me Tarzan, King of Mars

    I liked this. Very funny.