Humanity in Hiding[Work In Progress, be as harsh as neccessary.]

Avatar Author: Elisabeth L. Davis(LoA) Beneath the regular writers sits a young girl, pen trembling in her hand. She tries to put words on paper, but nothing comes out but painfully choppy verse. She drops the pen, looking up at the regulars in their creative ... Read Bio

I wonder,
How can the world
Have no respect for emotions
When some that walk among them
Can feel and share these?
Suicide, contentment, and all in between are felt by humans.
Yet only we can pick up on it.
The common people don’t see these.
But we do and do what we can.
We try to help the suicidal and murderous.
We rejoice with the content.
We grieve with those who have lost someone.
And they appreciate it.
We’re not shoved away as if we want money.
Which leads me to believe,
That humanity is not lost.
In fact, it is only hiding.

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Comments (9 so far!)

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  1. Avatar April Raines

    I’m not sure how to critique this as it appears to be free verse – no apparent rhyme or meter.

    The main thing I can say is it’s plain. Not bad, just no imagery, and even though I like the ending sentiment (and agree), it doesn’t make me feel or react.

  2. Avatar Elisabeth L. Davis(LoA)

    Well with a vague image of an empath lamenting, this was the best I could come up with.. and so I came to ficly.. looking for ways to fix it. >.< I should’ve known better than to assume the ficly community would come to a poor poet’s rescue.

  3. Avatar blusparrow (LoA)

    this has a great flow now. its very truthful. see im here to help =)

  4. Avatar April Raines

    Honestly I was trying to be helpful, not cranky. It’s just… it’s hard to be specific with poetry.

  5. Avatar Stovohobo

    It is a nice sentiment at the end. I agree with April in that there isn’t a lot of imagery—right now, it reads as less of a poem and more like prose—something which I think could be fixed with some internal rhyme, alliteration, metaphors, etc.

    You’ve got the motive; now enhance the sound of the poem.

  6. Avatar Elisabeth L. Davis(LoA)

    It was supposed to read as more of a poetic journal entry, and I haven’t found the first appropriate place for imagery.

  7. Avatar bluefish

    If you ground it in a specific place (a particular city, suburb, etc.) that might help add more images and characters. :)

  8. Avatar Mighty-Joe Young (A.K.A Strong Coffee)(LoA)

    this is again hard to critique, and hard to tell you where i would guide the imagerymaybe you should put it down and come back to it in a couple weeks.

  9. Avatar Mighty-Joe Young (A.K.A Strong Coffee)(LoA)

    this is again hard to critique, and hard to tell you where i would guide the imagerymaybe you should put it down and come back to it in a couple weeks.

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