Hello, world. It’s 3:30 A.M., and it’s time for our show, “Half Past Three.” As always, I’m Alf Gardener. Today’s open-line night, so let’s have our first caller.

Yes?

Hi, Noreen. You’re in the air. What’s on your mind?

No, I did not know that he was an alien. Care to explain?

Oh?

Kidnapped? What’d they do, replace him with a robot double?

Okay…so what does this robot double do, besides spy on people?

Really? It kills? What kind of people does it target, exactly?

“People who know too much?” How do you know—

You found instructions and a list of names? How did you—

Mine’s on there? Listen, lady, I don’t know what your problem is, but if this is a joke it’s sick, and I for one will not—

Same to you, lady!

Dang! Well, next caller…

Um, next caller?

Seriously, guys, I know there’s more of you listening right now…

That reminds me, I’m going to call the phone company. My landline’s been acting up.

Ah! Next caller.