Emma: Vampire Matchmaker

Avatar Author: Tillie Turner I am a young writer who enjoys expressing herself with ink and paper... once it is printed from the computer. Read Bio

Emma Fanghouse lives in Surrey, England on Hearteaterfield Estate with her elderly widowed father. Emma is forever young, immortally beautiful and witty, but she hides a dark secret.

“Emma! Don’t tell me you’re trying to matchmake with mortals again!” Mr Knightley criticized.
“Yes, I am. You see I have found the perfect match for young Harriet- Mr Elton, the vicar!” Emma said excitedly.
“That’s all very nice, but please keep in mind what happened the last time you thought two beings were perfect for one another and interfered? Do you want either Mr Elton or Harriet to end up like Marie?” Mr Knightley replied rather ominously.
“I know, but this time it’s different! They are both human” Emma said without her excited tone.
“Yes but it’s still a vampire interfering with a mortal.” Mr Knightly said & with that walked out of the room.
“I’ll show Mr Knightley!” Emma muttered under her breath.

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Comments (9 so far!)

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  1. Avatar Marli

    Very well written. I hope you are looking at a sequel. It is quite intriguing.

  2. Avatar Tillie Turner

    Thank you Marli. It might not come soon but I think I will write a sequel.

  3. Avatar ElshaHawk (LoA)

    If you cut out the entire first paragraph, we would be pleasantly surprised at the vampire reveal and this would flow so much better.. Some of us don’t like to be told things, even though Hearteaterfield Estate is clever. You could start it, “In Hearteaterfield Estate in Surrey, England, Emma Fanghouse, forever young, immortally beautiful and witty, hides a dark secret” and just go from there into the dialogue.

  4. Avatar Krulltar

    I agree with Elsha that the first paragraph gave a little too much information that could have beautifully unfolded as you told the story.

    This is a great start for a story about vampiric matchmaking!

  5. Avatar Tillie Turner

    Thanks for the advice Elsha Hawk and Krulltar. I have changed the first paragraph. What do you think?

  6. Avatar Bill Hartzia

    I didn’t see the original first paragraph but the new one is good. In the interests of making the vampire reveal a surprise you’d have to drop the “Vampire Matchmaker” from the title too though.
    I do like this story, but I find your prose a little… breathless. No-one manages to just say anything in this, they’re all speaking excitedly (or not) or criticising or…. Sometimes people just say things. (This might be a contentious topic on here however.)
    Still, it’s a nicely done story!

  7. Avatar Pyropunk 51 (PPP LoA)

    i like it!

  8. Avatar Krulltar

    The edit really works. As for changing the title as hartzia says, I don’t know if I agree; the title gives just enough information about what we are reading. BTW, I upgraded my rating to 5 pencils.

  9. Avatar Twyst

    Lines like “Mr Knightley replied rather ominously” are what bad fiction is made of. Adverbs are not your friends.

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