An alpenhorn is a spruce horn used by Swiss goatherds.

And at 8 feet long, Gretel barely fits in our garage.

Terence, my husband, acquired his pride and joy, an Ernst Schüpbach antique, at an auction in Canada. I just about forgave the flight cost, but when Gretel set him back a month’s wages, things were fated to never be the same.

A week later, at one in the morning, it began.

Invading my comfortable sleep, the haunting, melancholic melody may as well have been a fog horn – Gretel was certainly a belter.

She didn’t wake me up after that. The soundproofing was well worth it, according to Terence.

As time went on, I only saw my husband at meals, and even then he was no longer the man I married – he would wolf down whatever I set in front of him, and then barely disguise his joy as he skipped back to the garage.

The night of our wedding anniversary, I took him in some new sheet music – a gift.

I forgot to knock.

I’ll never forget the sight of my husband in lederhosen, playing with his Swiss mistress.