Hmm, good research, good story, in fact it’s a good short-short story. It has a beginning middle and end all compressed into one ficly. Awesome stuff pulling all of that off in such a tight space. And to be specific, what you pulled off was an attachment to the main character, and an effective heartbreaking ending. Sweeeeet story telling.

I feel like it ends a little abruptly, but this tends to happen sometimes on Ficly.

I feel the first sentence is full of very technical stuff, and that takes away something from the energy of the piece. Often, metaphors and vibrant language make up for not being as precise by better capturing the energy and intensity of the scene.

That’s just a small criticism. I’m a huge geek when it comes to war stuff, and this really fed my hunger. I clicked on this story hoping for something just like this, and you delivered.

I disagree with bluefish about the first sentence took away from the “energy of the piece”. This seemed like a neutral after action report. I feel the last sentence did an excellent job tying this together. You didn’t just go for the standard ficly “shock” ending of killing frank; you added details of what happened to the engine. This made it seem less jaring and more analytical.

I could definitely see the argument for changing that first line. A pronoun in place of the name and title would work. Maybe the name and title could come later.

“chunks” doesn’t gel with the tone of the remainder of the piece. At least it doesn’t for me.

Good story, however!