It’s a good story, a bit of editing and it’ll be really good.
There is a bit of repetition, you used ‘menacing’ a lot, try to find another way to say it, or even better, describe how they are menacing, it is better to show something than to just tell us. Also you used ‘menacing beams’ twice, when you’ve told what they are once, no need to tell us again, just use ‘they’, we know what you are talking about. Something like ‘…crippling underneath the moon’s menacing beams. They targeted a corpse and shot fire…’
It means you’ll have more characters to use too later, which is important when you are trying to give us so much information, 1024 characters aren’t a lot, you have to be very careful with them.
The moon is a bit weird, if it’s a starless night, how can we see it? You say it isn’t cloudy, and the sun isn’t up, so why is it starless? ‘starless night’ is a great line, but you have to explain why or people go a bit crazy trying to work it out for themselves :P
When you say the Professor Charles’ brother died ‘due to the dramatic loss of oxygen inside his spacecraft’ you do the same thing. This is really important, but you haven’t given us enough information.
A little bit of repetition again. You tell us Prof. Charles is an orphan twice.
Maybe put these two things together to save space. Something like ‘He was brought up in the Planet Life Corporation with just his brother for company, but he had died when their spaceship was hit by a meteor on the way to Jupiter. Charles was now on his own, a lonely orphan, arriving on this completely different planet.’
I liked the story, but try not to tell us the same thing twice, and when you tell us something important, make sure to tell us why.
Akheloios