My dearest,

I can’t stay.

In my head, I know that you haven’t left me, but my heart crumbles a little more every day without you. And without him.

Your trip upstate (my little euphemism), I know, is not something you would have chosen. But we don’t chose our responses to the biggest events in our lives. They are thrust upon us by combinations of previous experiences and brain chemistry.

How ridiculous it seems, that you, who held together so well in the first moments of reaction, should have fallen apart so completely in the aftermath, while I stand here bereft and forlorn, but ultimately sane.

I miss him. My very soul still weeps for his loss. He was my flesh. He was our love.

I miss you. You were my anchor, my rock, my place in a storm… Writing that, I wonder if I leant too hard. You never complained I was a burden.

It’s so unfair to have lost you both.

By the time you read this, I’ll be long gone. I wonder if you’ll notice I stopped visiting.

Please forgive me. Don’t try to find me.

Love,
Kate