The tears come. I can’t stop them. First the extra spill out the top, but soon they are unlocking the dam of memories I’ve desperately held back. The result is crippling. I curl up on the floor and the sobs silently fill the emptiness.

It hurts. The convulsions rip the bandages on my heart that I worked so hard to place there after the previous night’s carnage. I don’t know how long I lay there remembering the touch of his fingers and wishing I had the comfort of a friend. His lips caress mine and a gasp escapes my lips as my heart breaks as if for the first time. I put up mental barriers, trying to fix the dam, but the memories slip around the sides. My best friend holding me as I cried, then the voice “We can’t be friends anymore.” and him walking out of my life. But there were still scraps around to remind me of all that I lost… Love, friendship, myself…

Eventually, the shaking subsides enough and I crawl into bed. I close my eyes and pray the dreams aren’t too realistic tonight.