Count Milton! Hah!
I really enjoy animals of noble lineage. The lead on was nice too, I was just a tiny bit confused, then I got it.

Saddening, but well told.

Prospective property seems a bit awkward, but otherwise a good story.

poor Henry.
I smell a cheesy twist on MouseTrap by Milton Bradley! Just goes to show us, inspiration can be anywhere! you really put a lot of background into this piece, so was Henry the yellow mouse?

Maybe I’ve just been watching too much LOST, because I’m reminded of John Locke for some reason.

Great concept. :-)

I’ve been watching LOST too much, too. I was thinking about Jack, when he loses his wife.

Very good! Oh, the trials and tribulations of the rodent world.

I’m confused by the second to last paragraph (which seems to be a run-on sentence). It’s not exactly clear who set the mousetrap. Did Henry commit suicide, or was it murder? I’m siding with suicide given the untouched cheese.

And once we resolve that issue, we have to deal with the issue of what these creatures are. Are they mice? Then why are they setting mousetraps in their own pieces of property? It couldn’t be a deterrent for other mice, as they obviously would recognize what the traps are. And if they’re not mice, say something larger, how did the mousetrap kill Henry?

I’m totally behind the story, hell my uncle had the exact same thing happen to him (minus the death), where his boss sent him away and had an affair with his wife. Bonus points since his boss was also his brother. Anyway, the root story is interesting, but it needs to be more clearly told.

1. The last paragraph is only one sentence, and it does run on. I didn’t feel like fixing it at the time, sorry.

2. Given the series of events, it’s supposed to be clear that it was a suicide… That’s the entire purpose of the sentence about the cheese.

3. Yes, they are mice. That’s why I used a mousetrap as the suicide method. And they didn’t set the mousetrap themselves. It was set by the owners of the property, and moved into clearer view by the mouse before he killed himself. The HUMANS placed the traps there, because the “prospective property” isn’t something the mice are selling, but something they’re raiding for food. Hence the line “there’s tons of food and…”

The story was intended to personify mice without actually telling you that they’re mice. It’s supposed to be subtle, but clear once you finish the story. It’s something you read twice.

I appreciate your advice and critique, but I feel that the story appropriately accomplishes its goal.

Cliff’s Notes:

All the characters are mice. Elizabeth and Henry are married. Milton is Henry’s boss.

Elizabeth cheats on Henry with Milton because Henry has been working long hours and Elizabeth is lonely. She plans to leave Henry to be with Milton.

Milton attempts to pay Henry off by giving him a raise and a bonus, hoping Henry will take the money and not make a fuss. Henry mistakes the money as a reward for his discovery of a new house full of food (which Milton will steal and sell to other mice for a profit). He comes home and tells Elizabeth of this, only to be told of her disloyalty.

She leaves him, and he gets depressed, realising what had happened. He decides to get back at Elizabeth and Milton, to make them feel pain for what they did to him.

He goes to the house, where humans put a mousetrap under the fridge. He moves the trap where it’s easy to see and kills himself. He does this so that Milton will find his body, tell Elizabeth, and they’ll be pained with guilt.

Having spoken with Elsh, it has been made more clear to me the points of this story that were unclear.

This is a perfect example of a writer having a thought in his head, which makes perfect sense when he reads the finished product, but which comes across broken to the other readers because they don’t already have that thought.

Literary Fail.

In any case, maybe the cliff’s notes will help.

2 pencils for literary fail!

well, I’m glad I could help. Really it was just a word association game.
Moving=new property
when you meant
Job=new property
Remind me to never play password with you.. lol.
hugs

I’m happy to see that you took my criticism as constructive as it was intended.

I didn’t quite get your full intent even through a second reading (which I did immediately), but I just felt that it could have been made slightly more clear through a re-write of the penultimate paragraph. I gathered that it was suicide, but could not be certain. And given that they were mice, I couldn’t be sure that “new property” was a completely different human dwelling rather than just another room in the house or something. And I also missed the intent to cause guilt through the suicide, but now that you’ve pointed that out, I can see that as the reason for him moving the mousetrap.

Obviously, I need to work on my writing skills more. ;-)

Despite peoples mixed feelings on this ficly, I loved it. A little black, anthropomorphic, and also quite a chuckle. It wins.

I didn’t find this hard to understand at all. Nice job!

WHAT?!!! I wins?

Wow…

Thank you!