Avatar Author: OrangeOreos (LoA) So I figure I should fill this box in, because otherwise my profile page promised to cry in despair. The name's Orange, OrangeOreos. I'm from a now-extinct organization known as Ficlets. I haven't written much since th... Read Bio

There he was.

The old man shuffled to his bench in the park perfectly on schedule, and the scene was set. The picturesque pond was full of lily pads, frogs, and swimming ducks. Next to it, a big shady tree threw its umbrage over the same bench the man had sat down in. A bag of bread crumbs emerged from an ancient coat pocket, and the ducks quickly clustered around him.

A smile spread on the man’s lips, and he quickly threw the stale crusts out into the crowd. The squabbling started, and ducks were everywhere. A few children came to watch, their mouths slightly open as they wondered at the scene before them.

The man nodded at them, and then, looking back towards the ducks, he pulled out a small gun from his coat pocket and calmly shot two mallards through the head. The children cheered, and the man took a small, hunchbacked bow before shuffling over to pick up his spoils.

Duck: it’s what’s for dinner.

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Comments (10 so far!)

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  1. Avatar Mostly Harmless

    You set your scene exquisitely, and really make us live this old guy, which makes the twist even more slightly sickeningly brilliant…!

    I’m not sure what’s going on with that last line, it seems a bit out of place, like you’re trying to explain what you’ve hinted at – it takes away from it in my opinion.

    But the rest is a really cracking read, execellently written. MH :)

  2. Avatar Browncoatben

    I’m mostly with Mostly on this. However, my concern wasn’t with the somewhat comical last line, but with the opening.

    “…the scene was set. It was a picturesque setting.”

    That felt kind of redundant to me and I had a little trouble reading it.

    However, I love the idea of the setting. The happy park with the old man and the kids and the ducks…

    Then…the gun…so out of place. Yet in place. I dig that duality.

  3. Ahfl_icon THX 0477

    Twisted, hilarious, and very satisfying. I’ve wondered at how ducks and geese would be such easy pickings if anyone got the idea into their head to kill them. I meant, you could use a slingshot and still probably bag a few! Fun story.

  4. Avatar Andy G {L.O.E.M.A.T.T.L.O.A.}

    great story, did not see the ending coming.
    well done
    Andy G

  5. Avatar Mr.Gabriel

    I like the way this old guy thinks…

  6. Avatar gĀ²LaPianistaIrlandesa

    And to think: I just wrote up a very sloppy excuse for a poem on ducks. Twisted as the end was I rather enjoyed this. My only two suggestions:
    The bit “A bag of bread crumbs was pulled out of an ancient coat pocket”; I’m not sure if I like the passive voice here… perhaps something more like “a bag of bread crumbs emerged from an ancient coat pocket”? I dunno, if you that bit to be passive, that’s fine.

    As far as the last line goes, I thought it’s fine with it, but it’s also alright without it. It leaves the reader in a bit more suspense without it, which would work here very well.

    Good to see something from you again, mon amigo!

  7. Avatar OrangeOreos (LoA)

    Well, I’m glad my first attempt at writing in a long while wasn’t a total failure! Thanks for the advice, guys! I’ll see if I can fix this up a bit.

  8. Avatar Radical Yellow Duck

    You realize, of course, this means war.

  9. Avatar ElshaHawk (LoA)

    hahahahaha! RYD!
    orange, that was a sick twist.

  10. Avatar OrangeOreos (LoA)

    Oh snap RYD! I swear, it wasn’t me! It was the other guy!