This has feeling behind it, even I felt it. I like the last 3 sentences of this, especially the last 2. I feel like everyone’s felt that before, it was very relatable, or at least in my position.

Forgot to leave my inspiration!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnZHgnjQ0cU

I like the message and the feel. The beginning half is a bit disjointed, but it does manage to get all the elements in under the character limit, so understandable.

Grammar nitpick, that first sentence is a comma splice and could do with a revision. Otherwise a really nice piece.

The birds are a great symbol, but I feel like you used them too much trying to find the right words. You stopped using them when you did find the correct ones.
The ‘slightly sick’ part kind of made me stumble, it turned the tone of the piece, but by the end when you mentioned the beaten but alive part, it made sense. I think you’ve captured the mortality of life in this piece and the desire to live it.

I would advise a little more variation in sentence structure, however the emotion and feeling behind this piece is so clear cut and powerful that I forgive any mistakes.

Nice spacing and written with a good rhythm. The ultimate hope of this piece is great.
Abby x

Thanks for the feedback. I tried reworking a couple of awkward sentences in there so it runs a bit smoother.

I found myself going back to “I” here, which I wanted to avoid. But I really couldn’t, or at least I’m not at a decent enough level where I can find a way to work around it.

Don’t put yourself down. It’s a very neat little ficly =)