I like the relaxed tone of the whole piece.

Wow. Awesome tone, this has such an easygoing quality to it. This could work really well as a beginning. The little images in here fit with each other nicely.

The pacing of this piece is fantastic.

Powerful piece. As it has already been said this has great pace. It is very relaxed, yet aggressive at the same time.

Brutal and has a consistent, one that is gritty and disaffected.

Sounds like the demon on your shoulder is spitting out the narrative. Well done!

Definitely sounds like the story of a dumb teenager who takes off one day and makes a lot of bad decisions.

One minor quibble: Tempurpedics don’t sound like something you could pound on.

You’ve done it really well, but it could stand to be more original. There’s nothing wrong with well-trod ground, it just seems like you could do more to make it your own, ya know?

It should be a comma between “bird” and “or”, not a period, and you don’t need a comma between “room” and “or”.

The fifth paragraph feels a little repetitive.

I think you pretty much hit the genre, good job.

@CD- He’s [i]really[/i] aggressive.

This is brilliant!
The story flows, it seems kind of natural. Like this guy makes a decision and follows through with it without any second thoughts.
Rather than repeating everything that’s been said already, I’ll just say that I agree with almost everything everyone has said already.
A very well written piece!

Interesting choice of words for “your mother and her husband.” Reeks of an abusive stepfather. Very subtle, yet powerful.

Overall a well done piece.

Wow, guys! Thanks for the feedback. I think this is greatest response I’ve ever had to a story!