That One Time, With the Pizza Chick

Avatar Author: John Perkins Hello. I'm John. Please don't make fun of me. Read Bio

Dear Penthouse

Once upon a midnight dreary, drunk of rum, eyes a-bleary,
Over bent a porcelain god, praying o’er days of yore.
While I wretched, body sapping, suddenly I heard a tapping,
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my hotel door.
“’Tis the pizza guy,” I muttered, “tapping at my hotel door;
Online order, $10.24.”

Hand firmly held on toilet bowl; catch my breath to slow my roll.
Unsteady feet, shaking hands, slowly rose from tiled floor.
Try to keep room from spinning, sanity fight, booze is winning,
Karmic penance for my sinning; another knock at hotel door.
“Hold yer horses,” I did implore, and made my way to hotel door.
Check my pocket, bare before?

At that moment my heart did stop, I spent last dime at porno shop.
On the bed a paper bag, filled with colored toys galore.
“Sir,” said I, through a crack, “I have no cash, I know it’s whack,
Spent my load on paper sack. Filled with toys at porno store.”
To my surprise, opposite surmise, was pizza girl at door.
She pushed in, and went for score.

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Comments (10 so far!)

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  1. Avatar John Perkins

    The meter and rhyme is loosely based off of The Raven. However, due to the character limit, and my complete and utter lack of skill, it’s not quite right. I tried really hard though. I’ve been working on this for 3 days, so hopefully somebody gets a kick out of it.

  2. Avatar Mayra

    That’s hilarious.

  3. Avatar jesteram

    I picked up the Raven rhythm right away, so that came through.

  4. Avatar Pyropunk 51 (PPP LoA)

    really classy ;-) the raven metre was good.

  5. Avatar i, Coomber

    Not only do I love the way that you’ve not only managed to fuse classical poetry with a tale of drunken failings, but also that you’ve started it with ‘Dear Penthouse’

  6. Avatar John Perkins

    Thanks. I felt the “Dear Penthouse” was very important. Many times when I struggled with the character limit I would delete it to gain 15 characters or so, only to inevitably put it back and work harder on the actual prose. I did have to remove the comma though.

  7. Avatar Sneaky"LoA"Cleazy

    haha..! Definitely a knee slapper. Was it sausage pizza..?

  8. Avatar Jape Prophets

    The tempo works for me, I thought it was great. I especially love the ‘online order 10.24’, and ‘over bent a porcelain god’.

    I think the use of ‘rapping…tapping’ and such might be a little redundant, as most of us who have heard/read the raven would be familiar with the tempo alone, and those who haven’t probably wouldn’t understand the reference.

    I don’t know, them’s my thoughts.

    Jape Prophets

  9. Avatar Ridcully Calvert

    This is really good Johnn, both the idea and the execution.

    And the “dear penthouse” is sheer genius, although I do not think that any submission to the penthouse forums would have been honest as to the true conclusion of the events, as this one is in the second portion :-)

  10. Avatar Browncoatben

    Dude…this was genius. I loved every line. Rhythmic, rhyming poetry is very challenging. Doing it comedically is damn difficult.

    5…nay…7 pencils!