the first paragraph tripped me up.. it doesn’t flow well for me.. fix it and I will delete this comment.

What about it tripped you up? I realize it’s not entirely grammatically correct, but I feel like that’s the state of mind she’s in, and the way I imagine her talking (and the way I/my friends sometimes talk). Kind of a contrast to earlier. Can you give me more specifics? Tell me what you’re thinking, and I’ll think about tweaking it.

just to follow up on what elsha mentioned about the first paragraph flow:

1) lines 1,2 and 3 should not start on separate lines, they’re one paragraph, keep them together. the italics highlight the lyrics, so giving the lyrics its own line is redundant.
2) common mistake an author makes is to overuse a word… the first paragraph uses “that” too many times
3) “here” and “there” are often interchangeable. “here” refers close by, and “there” points to something far away…since your showing the reader the idea of different concepts of drowning, AND since the concept you described is “new”, and not one “close” to the readers thoughts, then its an idea “far away” from the reader, so use “there”.

as this seems to be a stream-of-consciences sort of story, the periods slow the reader (and flow) down.

a good example of writing stream-of-consciences is the “I believe” speach from Neil Gaiman’s American Gods.

http://www.fantasymaps.com/stuff/gods.html

The repeating: funny, too, that, think, all in one small space.

I don’t care much for formatting. Focusing on what’s written I have to say, this reads so much like poetry. Especially your longest paragraph in the middle. And also for its turn on a dime tangents. It talks about confidential, emotion provoking experiences with ADD but I see it as a way this character copes. Like when sensitive topics are brought up in a conversation one may feel compelled to change the subject before it gets awkward or too painful or embarrassing… here, in your story, the reluctance to delve too deep is interestingly enough presented internally, in thought processes.

@TadW… I respect substance over form, but substance WITHOUT form is unreadable. I agree with you that this story has wonderful character developement with inner conflict, but to compare it to poetry and say forget formatting is wrong. It isn’t poetry, it is prose. Someday wasn’t trying to push structural or formattting bounderies, or use repetition and formating to help the reader with the characters emotial state. If formatting doesn’t matter, then why every write a lymeric or a sonnet or use iambic pentameter? we use them because form helps to understand substance. (fyi, I count ee cummings as one of my poetic and literary influences)

If it has substance then it’s readable. Look, it’s just my opinion. I caught a rhythm in her words.

I agree with Tad (though I may be wrong). Great story, well done!

I appreciate all of your feedback. Krulltar, you’re right, it’s not poetry, but I was hoping that the way it’s formatted and worded would help the reader to feel a little closer to Ophelia’s emotional state. I’ll take another look at it, but I’m inclined to let most of it be.

It’s like poetry. Like. Let me point out that I didn’t say it was poetry either. A Grizzly bear is like a mouse too you know, they both have hair. :P lol

my original comment was meant to be a response to someday’s question about flow that tripped ups Elsa, but somehow I went on an overbearing rant at Tad about form and poetry that was completely unnecessary and unhelpful… My appologies.

what can I say? this new-fangled form you speak of trips me up! :P
Well, someday, you and your form win me over.
XO