:O i am speechless. That was really good.

Quite good, ElshaHawk. Poetic word choice, and excellent imagery. First sentence and last sentence beautiful.

Minor (really minor) things that bugged me (personal choice and all). I’d change ‘eyeballs’ to ‘eyes’, and ‘even if’ to ‘though’ – but that’s my taste, feel free to ignore me.

Lovely work!

thanks! I think those are great suggestions! Will you be my editor? lol.

Haha, somewhat reminds me of an situation im in right now. lol :)

I saw an advertisement for a DVD rental company, don’t even know what movie still it was, just a picture, but it inspired this scene. :) I think we’ve all had some sort of moment where we’ve had to decide to interfere or to look away.

this is really nice. i like the wording. =)

you should combine your sentences more, those periods are correct but not poetic. mama murph or mask by the moon would have made the first three sentences all one. besides that it has a surreal calvin klein ad feel to it good job

@ElshaHawk – if you’d like. I’m always happy to give a friendly critique.

HOT! I love that moment right before a possible kiss – you captured it beautifully. And – respectfully, Mighty Joe Young – I definitely prefer a short sentence that gets right to the point. I like the short style in moments like this. I feel like it is closer to how the mind works in this kind of situation. Lovely!

point well taken mere
congrats on the feature elsha

I was looking for something to start the day with, and this was perfect. You have the strange ability to write stories that normally should seem dull and kind of choppy, yet always come out smooth and engaging.

thank you silven