Ben Paddon
Joined May 2009 and calls BenPaddon.net home.
81 stories, 3 challenges, 70 comments, and 26 friends
British-born writer and geek humorist living and working in Los Angeles, California.
I’m the writer and host of PortsCenter (http://portscenter.tv/), the co-creator and co-writer of Dalek Gary (http://twitter.com/dalekgary), the co-creator and Head writer for scifi-comedy webcomic “Jump Leads” (jump-leads.com), and the co-writer of Left 4 Dead parody webseries “Boomer’s Day Off” (benpaddon.net/boomers-day-off/).
You can find my old ficlets here – http://ficlets.ficly.com/authors/benpaddon
Stories
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Matters of the Heart
They’d left it too long. The decor of the pub had changed; white walls and wood grain replaced with pastel blues and deep mahoganies, the hand-written chalkboard menu replaced with a faux menu with a chalkboard typeface. But this was their pub. T...
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It Eats.
It eats. It eats, and it eats, and it eats. And it eats. It eats and eats and eats, and it eats and eats. It eats. It. Eats.
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In It to Win It
There is a game show. Anyone can be chosen as a contestant. You simply wake up in the studio to applause, the host sitting across from you, smiling, warm, friendly. The rules are simple – answer questions, increase your cash winnings. Get all the...
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Early Morning Caller
It was… oh, man. I can’t even describe it. It was like a weird dream. I woke up at 3 o’clock. I was thirsty, so I went downstairs into the kitchen to grab myself a glass of water. And that’s where I saw it. It was about 6 foot t...
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Fragile Egos
Paul rushed down the hallway, paperwork in hand, desperate to meet his impending deadline. That was when it happened – he knocked into Greg’s shoulder, sending his coworker tumbling towards the ground, where he shattered into a hundred thou...
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The Last Words
It had been nearly half an hour since they’d executed Joseph Gattsmouth. The auditorium had been emptied. The body had been removed. The very expensive, very specialized device designed to pump three different types of poison into a person’...
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A Glance Encounter
They pushed him into the room and closed the door. Desperately, he tried the handle. It didn’t budge. They’d locked the door. He turned and looked at the room. Concrete walls, concrete floors, a concrete ceiling that was slightly too high u...
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Love, Lust, and the Spaces In Between
“Hey,” she said, a slight quiver in her voice. “I need to tell you something.” “Oh yes?” he said, dicing a tomato. “Listen, uh… I…” she paused. A deep breath, and then: “I slept with Adam.”...
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Passivum Infestantibus Libello
The Grand Chamber echoed with footsteps as the berobed gentlemen – the Pantheon – walked down the walkway towards their seats. Thousands had walked into the chamber in the centuries before them, and thousands more would walk into the chambe...
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Arduous
It hurt. Every muscle in his body throbbed in pain. Every part of him that could lodge a complaint was doing so with great tenacity. He found it difficult to stand. He stood, and he walked on.
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His New Bestseller
“So,” said Roberts, smiling keenly, “What did you think?” David sat for a moment and considered his reply. Eventually he said, “It’s… different.” “Different?” “It’s very well written. ...
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The Song that Ends the World
It’s dark, and I’m acutely aware of people staring at me on the street. I can feel their gaze burning into my back, my sides, my chest. I can hear them laugh. They see me as weak. They’re probably not wrong. I swim in a sea of sharks....
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Error in B Minor
As the fire raged through the house, the cat sat upon a wall across the street and watched, smiling.
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The Smegamorphosis
Gary awoke that morning to discover that he’d been transformed into a four-speed dishwasher with removable cutlery rack and replaceable cleaning head. He knew, deep within his heart, that he had a two-year warranty with a manufacturer’s gua...
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You Will Leave a Mark
I saw you today, from a distance. You walked towards me, the colour draining from the world around you. You impressed upon the near-greys and flat hues, like the girl in the red coat. I smiled an involuntary smile. I could feel my cheeks glowing. Quest...
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Crafty Alcoholic
I don’t really drink. Well, alright then. Just this once. Fools ’em every time.
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In Celebration of the Ethereal
When the entirety of one’s possessions fit in a box so small that Beyoncé Knowles wouldn’t have even bothered singing a song about it, it can be difficult to remember that it is not the physical that matters in this world but the ethereal ...
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Modern Life
Ted found himself increasingly turned off by the responsibilities that came with adulthood. Making rent, paying bills, spending one’s days in servitude to a faceless corporation who cared less about him and more about the computer terminal it was...
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Deflated
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Seb & Mark in: Two Things Are Inevitable
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Also by the Same Author
He was never satisfied with his writing, but his works had been published globally; bound in leather and sold by the millions, loved by readers and critics alike. This meant nothing to him. Upon completion of a novel he’d feel confident it was as...
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Norman's Wisdom
Some people are born with their destiny laid out before them. Others forge their own destiny. But most have no destiny at all. They exist only to provide background color for the people who will go on to do the bigger, better things. It’s not their f...
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The Clone Ranger
Yes, alright, this situation was my fault. I’d cloned myself. My clone turned out to be evil. He’d killed everybody I’d ever loved, and then he’d hijacked a local television broadcast to inform everyone that he – ostensibl...
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Two Days
Gareth awoke feeling fantastic. The sunlight shone through his window. His radio alarm clock rang with the voices of the morning DJs having an inane conversation. He heard birds outside singing their morning mating calls (which, in recent years, had be...
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Micra-Explosives
It didn’t take him long to work out that there was a bomb strapped to the underside of his seat. He’d noticed a mess of wires jutting from underneath – a clear sign of a hidden explosive. That is to say nothing of the note that was st...
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The Light
He lay on his air-bed in the bedroom of his otherwise unfurnished apartment, watching his fan oscillate from left to right. The light on the top of the fan was dim, shining just brightly enough to provide some distraction in the form of an orange splod...
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Of Course, He Always Had Pale Skin
“Bloody Twilight. Y’know, I really don’t like the way Stephanie Meyer dicked about with the vampire mythos. Vampires don’t sparkle.” “Yeah. And they’re not vegetarian.” “And they don’t play ba...
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The Fall
Dennis had spent rather a lot of time and, counter-intuitively, effort trying to avoid doing his job. He didn’t like his job, a fact made all the more frustrating to him by the smiles of his colleagues who seemed to enjoy that same profession. Th...
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Scientific Frontiers
Tim may be the finest mind humanity had ever known, and yet when he tells other researchers what his field is, they scoff. This was because he is the world’s foremost expert on Headphone Physics. Headphone Physics is a catch-all term for a common...
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The Boyfriend Scenario
Mark had often described women as “stunners” but this was the first time he had actually been stunned into silence by an attractive woman. She sat across the pub, drinking very little and looking beautiful. In fact he’d been so transf...
